


no happy endings in sight for us

by roadworkaheaduhyeahisurehopeitdoes



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, Guns, Hurt/Comfort, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt, be careful luvs, pretty dark shit ngl
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:28:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24923899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roadworkaheaduhyeahisurehopeitdoes/pseuds/roadworkaheaduhyeahisurehopeitdoes
Summary: there is no way out of this life, except death
Relationships: Percival "Percy" Fredrickstein Von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III & Vax'ildan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 46





	no happy endings in sight for us

**Author's Note:**

> heheeee i wrote this at like 1-3 am on different days when i was feeling suicidal so like. thats that on that ig. excuse my bad and probably ooc writing, i could write an entire ass essay on this fandom's portrayal of percy as some emo teen when that's not actually how he's played, but the need to project made me write this. so yeah percy's actually not this fucked in canon imo but im gay n sad so dont @ me
> 
> tw for suicidal thoughts/attempt

Kerrion Stonefell. Professor Anders. Anna Ripley. Lord Briarwood. Lady Briarwood. Each carved name gleamed in the dim, flickering, light, dancing across the hard steel of the pepperbox. Five names. Six barrels.

Percy stared at the blank barrel.

It was funny, wasn't it? Not in a humorous way, but in a twisted, sick way. Stuck in the eternal wheel of revenge and weariness, knowing he was done but not willing to leave without the sweet honey of revenge dripping from his mouth and gun. The anger, the hatred, the pure spite boiling inside of him, driving him forward as a master would a puppet: an empty shell being pulled on and pushed by something greater, something more powerful. He was the empty shell, the puppet, the corpse, his heart replaced with swirling black smoke, thick enough to choke on. And in the center of it all, revenge.

He wanted them dead. He wanted to feel the life drain from the hard eyes of each and every one of the Briarwood's accomplices, to see their bodies grow limp and and lifeless under his gaze, dying slowly and painfully as their shrivled souls pooled out of their bodies. He wanted them to feel the exact pain he had felt and more. He wanted them dead. But every coin has two sides. He was tired of running, tired of crafting, and tired of hurting. He wanted it to be over, and it seemed that the life of happiness he so desperately wanted was not there. There was another option, of course. The other option, the blank barrel, the flip side of the coin. Getting what he had deserved all those years ago, finally making the right decision, just stopping. He wanted it, he wanted to die so much sometimes it hurt. He couldn't die. Vox Machina needed him, they needed their resident gunslinger and friend. He needed him, to get revenge. It was a gods-damned gridlock, the one puzzle Percy had never been able to figure out. He could keep going, keep living with his pain and regret and guilt and hatred, or he could slip away, leaving behind a mess and mourners. The latter was seeming pretty tempting at the moment. It's not like he would be around to see what happens.

He let out a humorless, dry laugh. Selfish even in this moment.

The others wouldn't find him until morning, hopefully. They would be heartbroken. Well, that wasn't at the top of any of his lists at the moment.

He pressed the gun to his head.

Clicked off the safety.

Took a long, deep breath, hopefully, his last one.

Finally, he thought. I'm done.

There was a bang, then silence.

The silence ended about two seconds later, the sound of Vax's shout breaking through he heavy night air.

"Percival de Rolo, what the hell do you think you're doing?" The half-elf's voice was ragged and sharp, sending a bolt of pain through the back of Percy's head. He was standing in the doorway, eyes wide and a hand gripping his dagger.

Percy barely registered the clang of the gun as he dropped it. "Nothing. Go away. It's one in the morning, what are you even doing awake?"

Vax glared daggers at him. "Don't try to make this about me, de Rolo."

There was a tense silence in the air, so heavy that Percy almost choked. 

He didn't know what to say. Didn't know what to tell Vax to convince him to leave him alone, that Percy was doing just fine, thank you very much. The silence stretched longer and longer, Vax's dark eyes burning Percy's. He was lost. Ten minutes passed of the two staring at each other, waiting for the other to give in first. 

Vax did. "I'm not leaving until you tell me what is going on, Percival."

"I wish I could, Vax." 

"What the hell does that mean?"

"It means nothing is going on."

"If nothing is going wrong, please tell me why you were holding your gun to your forehead at one in the morning? Because frankly, that's not something that someone does when nothing is wrong."

"Nothing's different."

"Nothing's different? Is shooting yourself normal for you, Percival? Are you okay?"

Percy felt something inside him snap. "Do I look like I'm okay? Do you look at me and see a normal person? Does a normal person make deals with demons? Does a normal person have smoke billow out from them? Does a normal person have guns? If I'm a normal person, please tell me, Vax'ildan." He laughed, but there was no humor in it. 

Vax looked at him for what seemed like an eternity. Then, slowly, he got up and walked to Percy. "No, I wouldn't say you're a normal person. You're better. We want you here, Percival, we do. We love you." He sat down next to Percy and put his arm around him, pulling him against his side. 

Despite his better judgement, Percy melted into his side. He felt hot tears pricking at his eyes, but brushed them away. "I know. You are all my family. But I'm selfish, Vax. You know that. I'm tired of living this way. I just want peace and stability, but I cannot achieve it, so my only option is to stop living at all."

Vax looked down at him. "That's not your only option, idiot."

Percy couldn't stop the tears from rolling down his face. "Yes, it is." He pushed his face into Vax's side. 

Vax stroked his hair, the calming, repetitive motion soothing. "It is not. The other option is to fight. The other option is to stay alive and make that better life. I know you can do it. I know you can because I could. It's hard, I will admit, but it is so, so much better than dying, believe me. Please, Percy. We need you."

Percy wished he could choke right here. The prospect of making a new life for himself, leaving behind all that he hated to make room for the things he loved was too daunting. "I can't do it, Vax. Not now."

"That's alright, asshole. It's a process, not a get-rich-quick scheme. I know you can do it. Tomorrow morning. Next week. Whenever you're ready, just stay alive for it." Vax pressed a kiss to the top of Percy's head, ruffling his white hair. "I'm going to bed, and you are too." He stood up, grabbing the gun off the floor, and stopped at the doorway. "Do you want me to stay?"

Percy sniffed. "Yes."

Vax smiled at him, putting the gun on a shelf and laying down next to Percy. "Good night, Percival."

"Good night, Vax'ildan."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you or reading, drop a comment if you have any requests!  
> my socials:  
> tumblr: leo-nid-as twitter/instagram: leo__nid_as


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